Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fifth Dimension Interview

- Trammel you are an active part of the Ninja Strike Force - the lethal dojo opened by the cDc back in 1996. From what I've been able to witness from my outpost you are running wild in the global village. This is now September 2007 and here I am, able to interview you.

T - Before we start I'd like to say that I've been a fan of your work for many years now and I'm extremely honored to have been asked to answer these questions by you.. Also, I'd appreciate it if anybody reading this would picture me wearing either a gigantic Easter bunny costume or a Sailor Moon outfit (not a sexual thing, more of a comfort thing, really).

Okay, let's do this!

G How did you manage to hang out with Paris? Does this have to do with your deadly finger poke?

T We met completely by accident. I live in Los Angeles and tend to wander about aimlessly. One night I found myself at Pink's Hot Dog's just off of the Melrose strip (I go there to order the Hasselhoff Dog. It's really good. It's a chili dog with no onions and this cheese topping that comes from a can).

Anyway, I make my way out the patio and I open up my laptop to see if I can find a nearby node to connect to, to check my e-mail. The only ones I was able to find were all WEPed. I figure I don't have the time to pull packets out of the air and crack the key so I start to close my laptop when I notice this girl sitting nearby wearing sweats and those over-sized sunglasses that are so popular right now, checking her myspace acct. I ask her which node she's connected to and she names one of the ones that are closed. When I asked her how she had done this she rolled her eyes and said that she would explain it to me but that I'd probably never heard of Kismet or AirSnort. I laughed and told her that I knew exactly what those things were. She smiled this really big smile and we ended up talking for a few hours about advanced Google APIs, SHA-1 and cell-phone phreaking.

After Pink's closed and we were (very) politely asked to leave, we ended up driving around for the entire night and became fast friends. We've gotten closer since she was inducted into the cDc-NSF. I'm happy to say she's got this other, down-to-earth side that people don't know about and I think it's kind of sad that she's so completely misunderstand by most people.

No comment on the deadly finger poke...I think my girlfriend might read this.


G How seriously are we to take the Ninja Strike Force?

T The cDc-NSF is as serious as a kick to the nuts moments after receiving word that you have testicular cancer.

G - Are you guys already infiltrated by intelligence institutions who know about Forensic accounting?

T - We are not, but we _are_ actively searching for accountants to recruit, because of their abundant charisma and over-abundant sex appeal.

G But are you sure they understand you're not a branch of Control Data Corporation? Yet, I need to agree their mind sharpness is a sexy asset in the constantly evolving environment of media hacking. Are there any other kinds of evil you are digging in?

T - We feel that while there's still room to grow in the areas of mind-control, magick, drugs and prostitution we owe it to our shareholders to, not just, aggressively deplete existing markets of evil but to also search out entirely new types of IOSoEs [ed. - Incoming and Outgoing Streams of Evil]. Unfortunately, my current NDA restricts me from discussing the specifics of our ongoing R&D but if you, or any of your readers, feel like it, you are encouraged to contact our Office of Investor Relations for an investor's packet. I think Punkle Jones is running that right not.

I _can_ share a little bit about one of our newest sub-systems though --the Ninja Strike Force's Office of Special Circumstances. This group is all about evil, evil, and MORE evil. Yep, very very evil. So, stay tuned. You'll be seeing a lot coming from that department.

G - After the 90s deal on Hardware and Operating Systems, the arm wrestling between corporations and scholars, the raise of giant Media corporations made hacking radically different. For example now with MMORPG the video game industry found a way to make sure you're going to pay for your copy and to keep your account; the geek friendly G()()gle is also gaining an unlimited labor for free by developing ideas like human based computation. I believe the best retaliation to date was Torpark which is also using this human factor. So it looks like now the focal point is more about converting the mass by attracting their attention than stealthy operations on bytes - or is it just the normal evolution of an underground scene gaining maturity?

T - Hacktivismo's Torpark release is for sure a good thing everybody should download it and use it. Now about your question: even though most people no longer consider the Internet to be in its' infancy I believe a person might be able to assert that it is in its' adolescence. We intend to act accordingly. Think Tom Sawyer meets Holden Caufield meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I don't know.

G - Does Thomas Pynchon really suck?

T - Don't ever ask me that again.

G - Do androids dream of electric sheep?

T - Imagine I invite you to my home with a promise to show you the Fifth Dimension. When you arrive I offer you a cup of coffee which you accept and begin to drink. I begin to tell you a story.

In this story I describe my job to you --what my job is doesn't matter. My job is as meaningless and banal as every other job on the planet, I just realize it.

A part of my job is conducting inventories of shipments that we receive. Me and another fellow count the boxes, then open the boxes and count the things inside of the boxes and compare them with the packing slips that are neatly taped to the outside of these boxes. The slips of paper always contain errors, either that or the boxes are the ones that do.

This becomes tedious to me at times so I will break up the monotony of my day by going into a nearby room. This room has ugly walls and a water-stained ceiling. There is a single, stationary, exercise bicycle in the middle of the room. Riding it (once again, the reason doesn't matter) is another part of my job.

There is a robot in the room that keeps me company. It looks like a praying mantis. Its body is about one meter long; a skinny, metal twig. It has four long appendages that are reminiscent of car antennas (back when cars had them) and she moves them around like --have you seen the long metal sticks that swing around on the tops of billboards to keep pigeons from perching on them and shitting all over the advertisements? They look like that. Its head is tiny, no bigger than my fist and is shaped like an icosahedron. There are two tiny little beady eyes. Like I said, it really does look like a praying mantis. It speaks with a human voice and it has a beautiful, quite emotionally tender, personality.

I've grown accustomed to her and as I ride my bike it moves about the room conducting various, diagnostic tests and reporting to me with its conclusions.

On the particular day that this story is taking place it has stapled itself to a pie chart that is thumb-tacked to one of the walls and I'm struck, for some reason, as to how valuable and relentlessly loyal she is to fulfilling her function. This fills me with a melancholy and I decide to tell it how much she is appreciated.

"I love you." I say.

But, it doesn't respond.

"I love you." I say again. I'm starting to feel overcome by the depth of my emotions.

Still quiet.

I dismount and peer closely at the wall and the robot is gone. There is only a burn-mark silhouette on the paper where it was, only moments before.

I am overcome with grief.

My supervisor walks by the hall and when I tell him what has happened he mocks me. We fight, and since I am a ninja I easily kill him by means of strangulation.

So, at this point in the story you ask me, "What does this have to do with the Fifth Dimension?" Since we are still inside of my apartment I invite you to turn around and look through the open door of my bedroom.

You notice that there are a group of people in there and that one stands out from the rest of them. He turns and slowly walks towards you. There is a golden light that fills the room, with another, brighter, light above and behind him backlighting his hair and making visible the dust particles that float through the air between the two of you.

I am gone now and as you stare at the man you hear in my place a woman's voice wearily informing you," The only problem is...there is no Fifth Dimension."

As you turn away from the man and towards the sound of the woman's voice you realize that you are not standing, you do not have a cup of coffee in your hand and you are no longer in a brightly lit room.

Instead, you are now sitting in a darkened room whose curtains have been drawn, the sunlight glowing softly behind them, your eyes tracking wildly for either the woman who was just speaking or for me.

NEITHER OF WHOM EXIST!

And so you ask me, "What does this story mean?" to which I would respond...."Whatever you want it to."

Ah, my cell phone is done charging and as far as whether androids dream of electric sheep or not. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from my story.

G - Aristotle, Abu Rayhan al-Biruni, William Blake, Adam Smith, Mary Shelley, Ada Lovelace, Nicola Tesla, Carl Menger, Tex Avery, Prescott Bush, Enrico Fermi, Gordon Moore, Terence McKenna, RAW, Grandmaster Ratte'. In this list of people, if you had to choose one who own the 21st?

Let us (I mean the royal 'us' here) treat this question in the same manner that e.e. cumming's editors were instructed to treat his poetry and assume that your question was properly typed. Let us further assume that you, indeed, meant to ask which one of these people owned the 21st. From these assumptions let us extrapolate that you, in fact, meant the number 21 itself.

With the understanding that even in a finite set of natural numbers (I include zero here 'cause I am bleeding-edge like that) such as [0...21] there are an infinite subset of other, real numbers. I would have to divide those numbers, equally, between each of the people you've listed with the following exceptions:

1) Prescott Bush. He gets nothing.

2) +1 to Grandmaster Ratte.

G - Add the next term to the series:

(a) gold, (b) land, (c) money, (d)?

T - (d) Chingy --the "hip hop artist" and yes, that's my final answer.

G - (a) cave painting, (b) photography, (c) virtual reality, (d)?

T - (d) Fully committed porn stars with degrees from RADA and thorough groundings in Stanislavsky and Meisner's techniques delivered via foglet technology and available, among other places, at truck stops and junior college cafeterias.

Are we done here? I've got a Yogilates appointment I have to get to.

G - I think we are, thanks for the moment! And don't forget to remove your outfit.